And So Now I Know

(July 23rd, 09)So i implimented my "moving on tonight" and I was right … he’s just not into me. I’m a little sad I can’t deny. I feel …….. disappointed. Disappointed it didn’t work. Disappointed in myself for making the whole situation. Disappointed I even let this happen. I know better. I should have wrote the book on "he’s just not that into you". I know better. So tonight I didn’t inishiate conversation. He never said hello. Not once did he speak to me. On Thursdays our group from work goes over to the bar across the street … he didn’t even say hello then. I’m upset that he says hello to one of the other bartenders (jealous is the right word). It’s not that I’m jealous of her … she’s almost 60 and happily married; but I’m jealous that he makes a point everyday to hug her and say hello. That when he came over tonight he walked right past me w/out saying hello. He sat right next to her and started up conversation. I’m jealous that she and i walked to our cars and he followed a few seconds later and went STRAIT TO HER CAR and gave her a hug and kiss good night and I can’t even get a hello? So, i’m upset. But it’s not his fault. It’s my own. I made this situation. I pursued him! Completely was the aggressor and the reason things have lasted this long. I called my friend from Tampa to vent and he made a good point. He said "Well he isn’t even a friend" and I said "yeah, we used to hang out; I wouodn’t say we weren’t friends" and he told me "WE are friends. Friends talk. He’s not even a friend if he isn’t talking to you" and I agree.So, now I am upset and have to put on my game face of "I don’t care" when I do. I have accepted that it’s my fault … I laid it out on the line for him weeks ago of what it was I wanted and he didn’t respond to the texts and didn’t do anything of the things I said I wanted (for example: When we see each other I would like a simple "Hello" and kiss on the cheek" — yeah DIDN’T HAPPEN!!!).So, I’m an idiot. I created this situation and I’ve brought it upon myself so now I have to move on. Easier said then done but it will get easier as the days go by. I can’t help but feel jealous and let down though.On another topic of why I let this happen is that I’m lonely. I don’t really have friends to do things w/. I really don’t. I have the people I work w/ and we go to the bar after work but actuall friends … I don’t have any. I have the one girl I’m been friends w/ for a few years but she’s such a nut case it’s not much to work w/. I want friends to go do stuff w/. I want people to call me and say "Hey Jenn lets …." but I don’t have that. I am lonely. So maybe that’s why I pushed this "relationship" on him. I don’t have anyone. It makes me sad and yes I am shedding a few tears … not because of him though but because I just figured out my problem by writting it down just now. I am lonely and probably a bit depressed. :* (